I’m coming out today as someone who stays in touch with my exes. Not close-close, but I know what they’re up to and I wish the best for them and their current partners, kids, and dogs.
Part of my rationale here is that for a person to earn the title of “ex”, I’ve inherently spent a not-insignificant bit of my life with them. The part of me deeply motivated by a need to make meaning out of every chapter of my life is pleased by being able to move peaceably on from past relationships: firmly closing the door on what was, while letting that past co-exist without bitterness or heaviness alongside a beautiful present.
For many of us in higher education, student affairs, or even other non-profit settings, part of what feels so challenging about leaving is how deeply we’ve invested ourselves in our work — it might feel impossible to detangle our self-image from our career. It might feel like a loss: deep, painful, scary — and complicated, too, because we’re choosing the loss for ourselves. I don’t believe it’s too much of a stretch to classify it as a type of break-up.
I do believe that breaking up well is an art. It takes a great deal of time and intentionality. And since we can’t rush the former, we might as well go all in on the latter… right?
Breaking up with higher ed intentionally
If you’ve ever counseled a friend through a break-up, you probably intuitively understand some of what needs to happen here: carving out space for your feelings, honoring whatever comes up. But there’s more you can do, too, on the road to what’s coming next. If you’re hoping that “what comes next” includes project management, here’s what I’d recommend:
At some point (even if you can’t remember it, even if it felt like ten minutes that went by thirty years ago… even if, even if, even if), you were thrilled to enter the field. What motivated you? What were you excited to do? Write it down.
At some point, you decided to leave because you knew there was more. What motivates you now? What are you chasing? Write it down.
Being in, and then deciding to leave, higher ed taught you how to be motivated by whatever you just wrote down. This deserves a love letter, don’t you think?
The middle of the letter is everything that happened in between.
What did you learn?
The middle of the love letter is: thank you for everything I learned while I was waking up. Thank you for everything I’ll take with me.
And, let’s be clear: your job might have sucked. In this case, the love letter might help you process that – thank you for teaching me I’m never going to work a job again in my life that normalizes that kind of work for that kind of pay. Get specific! What won’t you tolerate? What are your “never-again”s?
Or (like me) your job might have… not been for you, but in a way that leaves you with a bit of ambiguity.
For example: in my case, I learned that I liked what I did, but I wanted to be paid more for it and I didn’t want to supervise people directly. I learned that I’m good at stakeholder work, and that I’m very good at applying strategy to everyday execution (I now work closely with strategic planning processes).
What now?
The end of the love letter is really for you. This is the part where you get to say (declare, really) that no matter what, you are going to be okay. And here’s the thing: just like with any breakup, you don’t have to see the end to declare that. You don’t have to know what’s next to know that you won’t be here in the heart of the mess forever. You do have to trust yourself to get yourself there… which, if you’re anything like me, involves a combination of upskilling and reframing, plus the normal “you’re just a complicated houseplant“-type things like drinking enough water and remembering to sleep when you’re tired.
Let me say that again: you don’t have to see the future. You do have to trust yourself.
PS — by popular request, I’ve updated this post with a template to write your own letter. Enjoy!
Becky Windberg says
This post is so affirming!! I have been using the break up analogy as my last day in higher ed is tomorrow. It feels like breaking up with a partner that is still a good person, just not right for me in this season of life. This is the first post I’ve read of yours and I’m so excited to keep reading!